I've had a really really bad weekend. Actually, it's been a rough past five days.
Let me start by saying, I'm a people person. The more crowded a place, the more at home I feel. The more the merrier, I guess. And I absolutely hate being alone! Bad things happen when I'm alone, like I get depressed. Even if it's a sunny, beautiful day, if I'm alone, I'll just sit inside and mope about how lonely I am and how I have no friends and how unfair life is. I'm probably the only one like this but, after I've sat in a dark, lonely apartment for a day, everything after that just compounds to make me even more depressed and I just can't seem to shake the awful feeling of worthlessness.
That's how my life has been since Wednesday. I haven't really been surrounded by people so I've lapsed into utter depression and helplessness. After I while I start to believe that I am the source of all my problems- duh! I kinda am! And so, on top of being lonely, I blame myself for any rift that comes between me and my boyfriend.
Out of everyone in the entire world, he is the one I tell everything to. I feel so at home with him, so comfortable, so safe.
So then here's how it goes: 1) I get depressed 2) He does something small to make me sadder like doesn't hold my hand in public 3) automatically I assume he doesn't love me- cuz that makes sense (NOT!) 4) Everything is ruined. I cry which makes him sad. 5) I blame myself for making him sad and being the worst girlfriend EVER.
It's a bitter cycle and I'm not proud of it. How does it ever get fixed? To be honest, I'm not really sure it does get fixed. We just both decide to forget anything ever happened and move on. Nothing changes and I get depressed again and mess things up again. My only salvation: cooking (or rather, baking!)
I absolutely LOVE baking!! When I'm stressed or sad, baking is where I turn to make things seem a little sweeter (pun intended, yes I went there). This weekend was so bad, I made cookie bars and quick bread, the same day, one after the other! Needless to say, my apartment smelled delicious!!
I don't have any of my own pictures but I made these two recipes (off of Pinterest): Caramel-glazed Apple bread and Chocolate Chip Salted Caramel Cookie Bars. First things first, yum!!
Pass the Sushi. Apples!! It has apples in it which means it's gotta be healthy, right! (apples totally negate all the butter and sugar and pecans, right?) And I loved it! It wasn't as moist as I expected but the taste- good gracious it's good!! Seriously, forget slicing it, I'm just gonna take a fork to the whole loaf!
Two Peas and Their Pod. There's no pretending this is healthy. And I'm ok with that. Because it was sooo good, I could've eaten the whole pan!! My only problem was that I had the wrong kind of salt. Did you know not all sea salt was created equal? I didn't. This recipe definitely needs the chunky kind, like the kind that Starbucks used to decorate their Salted Caramel Mocha Frappuccino (my fav drink by the way). Fine salt just makes the whole thing taste like I added too much salt. Sad day. That being said, it was still wonderful and extremely addictive.
So, where does that leave me. Slightly heavier than I was at the beginning of the week but still not happy. I think I'll make something pumpkin today! I have class again tomorrow and hopefully being back into my routine will pull me out of my funk.